100 Million Reasons for Big Lou to kill himself

Unless you were in a deep....deep coma this summer, I'm sure you heard about the Kovalchuk ordeal with the Devils....many, many times. 

When all was said and done he signed a $102 million 17 year contract with the Devils...oh wait no he didn't. He signed a $101 million 15 year pretty much identically front-loaded contract with 2 years cut off the back end to appease the tyrant Gary Bettman. Ironically the new poster boy of the Devils has an annual cap hit of $6.66 million...interesting.

Anyway, with all the mess of the off-season behind them, the Devils were ready to take the ice again. Little did they know....they suck this year. So far they've played 16 games while accumulating a miserable 10 points, good for dead last in the entire league. There are a ton of things wrong with this team, from Brodeur proving finally that he is indeed a human and not some Canadian cyborg, to injuries ravaging the lineup. But what most people (including myself) would point to as a major pain in the ass for the D's was that completely fucked contract handed to the wanna-be Ovechkin.


Papa Lamarillo isn't known for being the most conservative GM, just look at the contracts handed to Zubrus and Rolston, but he really shit the bed this time. He's basically crippled the team until the really big names on the team either demand to be traded, retire or their contracts run out and they move on. But hey, you pay $100 million for a stud, at least he's gonna perform for you right?? Wrong. So far the $100 million dollar man has amassed a whopping...8 points. Only 3 of which are goals...you know, the thing he's paid so much to do. Interesting other side note, Kovalchuk was a healthy scratch for one of the games earlier in the year...shit if he's not performing, might as well let him sit on his ass in the press box and collect his check anyway right?


Considering the fact that Kovalfuck (as my Uncle Tom lovingly calls him) has only netted over 40 goals 5 times and over 50 only twice, I'm calling bullshit on his contract, which by the way comes with a no movement clause that turns into a no trade clause, so even if they wanted to dump his ass they couldn't. For someone who has proven time and time again that he's not a clutch player and blows the big games...Lou done went and fucked up. Take tonight's game for example: Buffalo nets a goal in the shootout, Kovalchuk needs to score to keep it going and....